Currently The Sound Of Madness By Shinedown Second Chance see related

Today I...

Currently First Impressions of Earth By The Strokes You Only Live Once see related

You're Crazy and I'm a Jerk

I’m feeling the strain these days; the strain to keep going and push until you reach the end. I’m feeling the pressure; the pressure to live up to everyone’s expectations . I’m feeling pretty burnt out these days, it has been a tough couple of weeks.

I’ve been feeling under a lot of pressure to be there for everyone. To be a good girlfriend. To be a good friend to a friend going through rough times. To be good daughter and help my mother when she’s sick. To be a good sister and support her when everyone is disagreeing with her decisions. To maintain my academic grades. But you have endure, you have to keep trekking, because maybe my boyfriend needs to know that I care more than anything right now, maybe that friend has no one else to share things with, maybe my mom misses my sister a lot, maybe my sister doesn’t feel supported. The truth is that while I hate “people” I love the people who are closest to me. And I can’t take chances with “maybe”. They’re too important to not be there for them, because you never know how your actions in a time of need will affect them later.

My main point is that I need help. I need people to help me because I have problems too. For the longest time I thought I needed to go seek professional help because I was so messed up. I’m feeling so much pressure that right about now I’m regretting lenting alcohol, and throwing out that pack of cigarettes I’d smoke when I was stressed, and just other destructive behaviours that I gave. Its not that I like doing those things, but I just can’t cope right now. My mental health has been deteriorating slowly for quite some time, and right about now I’m starting to lose my mind. I. Am. Starting. To. Lose. My. Fucking. Mind.

But I guess nobody’s very few people have been noticing it. Or maybe my friends have noticed it and they just don’t care. That’s a pretty fair assumption too. I can honestly say that I feel that 95% of my “friends” would 1) not care or 2) not notice if I just didn’t show up for a month.

I realize that a lot of the friendships I have are good for:

1.        A lot of meaningless small talk

2.       Cheap smiles

3.       Fake sympathy

4.       Shallow fun times

I’m not saying that friends should run to you every time you have a bad day or sit down with you for hours if you’re mad. It would be nice once in awhile to maybe have someone understand that you’re unhappy, or sad, or having a bad day, or have been going through some things. I just don’t expect to be called “fucking crazy”. It’s the meaning behind the words. You’re not acting like yourself, you must be crazy. Or maybe you’re just insensitive. Or maybe I’m tired of feeling like you don’t care. Or maybe I want to stop being treated like a guy.

I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. It’s just too much to take sometimes.

Rant of the Day: I bet you didn’t know that I’m that mad from looking at me.

Currently The Glass Passenger By Jack's Mannequin Annie Use Your Telescope see related

Of Bonds and Discounts

Currently Listening Famous Last Words By Hedley For The Nights I Can't Remember see related

"If I Don't Say This Now I Will Surely Break"

Trust. How is it that those 5 letters arranged in that specific order can be so difficult to achieve and give?

In today’s society a person’s trust is very hard to gain.

This is because trust can only be given freely. It cannot be forced and it cannot be taken by force. It must be earned.

So how can you earn someone’s trust? Through a very, very slow process. I guess I can’t really define when a person’s trust is gained. It just sort of happens.

But I think where people go wrong is that they think trust is gained through big events. What do I mean by that? I mean keeping big secrets, or saving someone’s life or something along those lines. A defined event or events. And I do believe that trust is built here, but I also believe that it is built in the smaller moments too. Moments where it may not seem like a big deal to you, but to that other person… they’re taking note.

Trust is not easily given, but it is easily revoked. Someone’s trust is not a right – it is a privilege. And we would all do well not to take it so for granted.

Rant of the Day: I’m learning, slowly… but I’m learning.

Currently Listening Gutterflower By The Goo Goo Dolls Here Is Gone see related

Battle for Dominance

Tupac Shakur once said “Everybody’s at war with different things… I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.”

I don’t think anyone’s said it better.

I guess that’s how I’ve been feeling for the last month… like a storm has been brewing as two different fronts meet.  Slowly at first, and then faster as they mix and collide. The result? A hurricane; powerful, deadly and chaotic.

I feel tumultuous inside… like there is an unending battle going on within. I feel like all of me is at war.

As of late the discrepancy between how I want to feel, and how I actually feel has been causing me grief. Jealousy and possessiveness are beginning to rule supreme. I’m trying to be more understanding, and less possessive… but I find my jealousy is like the Hydra.

And then there are the unspeakable feelings which I hate. I’m not ready to feel this, or perhaps I just don’t want to. Where do I draw the line between that which I expect of myself, and the reality?  In the end I always hurt myself.

At the heart of this war, is an issue I have been trying to escape and suppress for a couple of years now. At first it didn’t phase me, but as time has worn on the battle has become too intense and raw. And in my heart, I have begun to realize that this war will never end.

Being a Commerce Major is something my heart has desired for many years, and I am most proud to be a Sauder student. I have worked insanely hard for the last two years to be able to get to where I am today.

I’m filled with ambition to be successful when I go out into the working world, and I am willing to pour blood, sweat, and tears into a successful career.

However, the business world is harsh, unforgiving, and cut throat. Already in my short time at Sauder I have seen betrayal, backstabbing, and greed. And as the years go on, I know that it will only become worse as people fight for job positions and marks.

And it is here that the battle lies. It is so easy to blur that line from moral to immoral, and before you know it… you’re on the other side.

How far am I willing to go to get what I want? How far am I willing to push myself before I can’t take anymore? How many people am I willing to step on to get to the top? How many friends am I willing to backstab to advance myself? How much am I willing to sell my soul for money?

These questions scare me. I want to be successful, but I also want to do business ethically and morally. And so the battle rages on… which side will win? Who can tell? Only the future.